Going deep…with mom
Last night I was debating whether to write about this particular subject. I was thinking that it didn’t have anything to do about sex, however, after sleeping on it i realized it was about sex and about mental health, emotional health and....family, and that's what’s so great about “Changing Positions” it transcends the status quo.
While sex can be a component of our lives, it’s only just that…a component. As gay men, we have the ability to form extended interdependent relationships, although i strongly believe this happens due to our sometimes dysfunctional bond with our siblings and parents. So why am i saying all this? Well, often it’s our relationships and experience with our folks that influence our future attitudes about sex and relationships.
So, the other day, I went there, after 30years I was going deep with mom. The emotions were raw, real and vengeful. I had not spoken to my mom in several years, no mother’s day call, no wishing her a happy birthday, nada. I realize this is not the healthiest relationship and I always get annoyed when my other gay friends or complete strangers tell me to “forgive and forget”. But that’s just it, I don’t want to forget and... I’m definitely not ready to forgive. Like many other gay men and their mothers, I have a complicated relationship with her and her verbal and emotional abuse impacted how as an adult I look at relationships with men and by extension, sex.
For a long time I thought it was ok to be mistreated by other men, that love between men didn’t exist and….she was right. She was right because like many other gay men in my position, we allowed the woman who brought us to this world to be right. And so, I walked the streets, looking for that quick fix of tenderness, it didn’t matter that it was happening in the back seat of a car, or in some remote bathroom stall. It didn’t matter that every attempt at a relationship I ruined, fulfilling a prophecy from my mother. It didn’t matter that I dropped out of high school or that i drowned myself in booze and artificial companionship. I hated the fact i was gay and wished so much to by like my younger brothers.....a delinquent womanizer, at least then i'd have the support of my family.
And so, I went there and I went all the way without pulling out. It was fast, hard, raw and ohhhh soooo deep...in emotions. I told my mom of my anger, frustration, disappointments and resentment. (i have to admit, it felt good and strangely therapeutic) Of course, like any other gay man, I have a flare for theatrics, so I decided to tell her all this on Mother’s Day just to raise the drama level. Luckily she didn’t’ answer the phone, which I was praying would happen…(yes, I’m a coward, but would you have the balls to go deep with your mom?) I left a message, explaining, just as i had practiced a million times of why i had given her the cold shoulder for the past several years....and the strangest thing happened, she called back….and what do you think that bitch said to me?! So i ask you....how would your folks have responded? As for me, her response was...unexpected.
6 comments:
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I have a very good relationship with my mother shes my best friend we talk about everything the good and the bad and everything in between, and i love her for always being real with me whether i like it or not. On the other hand, the relationship conveyed in this blog i can relate to with my father. He was non existent in my life eventhough i would see him every weekend. There was nothing there and he would make me feel left out and even though i knew i would never be his favorite child i would have at least liked him to acknowledge me as his child. Sometimes when people ask about my father i tell them he died even though hes probably right around the corner or something and although that maybe mean thats how i feel in my heart. Maybe one ill have a phone conversation with my father but until then i guess we will continue our hi and bye relationship.
Anonymous says
I came out to my mom when I was 26 yo. She kinda knew but didn't want to admit it. She hoped it was a phase, that I wouldn't get AIDS, etc., etc., etc. You know the script... We didn't discuss my life and what i did (living in a diff state) until i was in my mid 30s. Never talked about dating, sex...nothing gay. Finally, she one of my partners, i talk about gay stuff, and she's been pretty ok but could def be better and more embracing. Got some work to do with her. My regret (if i can have one) is that I waited sooo long to come out to my dad. I was in my late 30s before i came out to my dad and (gag) it was by email right before he was to come to visit me (i lived with my bf). he was so accepting and really cares about my bf so much it makes me tear every time. before we got off the phone he would ask about my bf and say "i love you guys". (choking back a sob) i've lost so many possible moments and closeness with my dad for so many years. he could have been more a part of my life than i allowed. however, my fear was based on what i was mostly afraid would happen and on all the horror coming out stories i would hear about. But to the point of the blog, though i've come out to my parents i have yet to "go deep". Not sure i'm ready though or how receptive they'd be.
A.a-d.J says
ummm i didnt really understand wat you were trying to say, is it that ur momm wud beat you and you liked it? or that you didnt like getting beat and thats why you resented you mother? lookin at the family guy snipet it seems as if you had some sort of sexual thrill of being beat by your mom, if wrong please forgive me; just trying to figure it all out
DulceDeLeche says
It's amazing how our relationships with our folks can have such a strong impact in our adult lives. I'm happy to hear that RwJw and Anonymous have a friend in at least one of their parents. It's important to have that.
the Family Guy video was meant to poke fun at my relationship with mom. I absolutely don't have some wierd Oedipus complex with mom. But what i hope people walk away with from the STORY is that each one of us shape our own destiny to create healthy relationships, although it does make it easier when we have the support of our loved ones.
Thanks!
Anonymous says
what did she say? you left me hanging...
DulceDeLeche says
Dear Anonymous,
Well,i was clearly ready for another fight. So when she called, i delibrately did not answer the call. (i'm such a punk!) In Spanish, she went on to say she was glad i brought up the issue of me being gay. She went on to say that while she initially did not understand, she has come around to accept me...her voice sounded exhausted and strangly older than her actual age. Through her quivering voice, she apologized and accepted the fact her behaviour towards me was unacceptable. However, she continued explaining, she was a young mother, with deep religious and conservative views and begged me to understand her position. Being a single mother, she said she tried to do the best she could under the circumstances. She said she LOVED me, always had and always will. She said she was PROUD of the man i had become and how she talks about me all the time and the accomplishments i've achieved. She said she was also hurting, from the past and from my message. And she hoped i would find it in my heart to forgive her, to give our relationship another chance, and for compassion. I could hear her tear up, desperately finding the right words. She mentioned how my brothers have been in gangs, always getting into trouble, but she found strength in me, her first born son. She found strength knowing even through the challenges, i've succeeded in my life. For the first time, i felt i could believe her. I kept hearing her message over and over, her words sinking into my soul and heart. My mom had gone deep with her son for the first time in many years, and now the healing begins.