Love in the time of AIDS
"I'm HIV positive." I was 15 years old, living in San Francisco and madly in love when I first heard these words spill from the lips of the man i was completely infatuated with. It was also my first experience of love in the time of AIDS. (image source)
We met on the corner of Market and Castro street. I was being loud and abnoxious, he was calm, cool and collected. His kisses tasted like watermelon Now&Laters. He held my hands with tenderness and looked into my eyes as if he already understood who i was, where i came from and where i would go. His hugs surrounded my body, aching for the affection i couldn't find at home. His words penetrated through the walls i had already begun to build to avoid being hurt.
To show how much i loved him, i did the only thing I thought would equally demonstrate how much i cared for him...i tried to have sex with him. When he wouldn't respond back to my sexual overtures i would feel betrayed, hurt and unattractive. So, i made up my mind, that the next time i saw him, i would just ask him why he wouldn't sleep with me, didn't he find me sexually attractive? Were his kisses and words a sham?, an evil joke to see how far you can string along an impressionable 15 year old?
Perhaps he realized my impatience, or perhaps he just thought the moment was right, but on that spring day of 1993, as we relaxed in the park laying next to each other, looking up at the sky, i asked the question he was dreading and i so anxiously wanted answered..."why don't you want to sleep with me?"
It was almost surreal and I hated myself for having been so self centered. My ego wouldn't allow me to consider that perhaps it wasn't about me, and until that exact moment, HIV had always been something foreign. An so he told me...in between explaining how it wasn't me and how much he cared about us...all i heard was "I'm HIV positive." It was almost as if I had been diagnosed and a long, uncomfortable silence fell between us. As he searched for a response from me, he reached out to grab my hand as he always did, except this time i found myself jerking it away...it was the most poignant moment of our relationship and my silence was piercing with judgement. I turned to look at him, he didn't rush me, but continued looking at me as he had on that first meeting, and now...i had a choice to make, should i stay with him or walk out.
To disclose or not, that is the question many with HIV must contend with. And if you do, how do you do it? When is it the right time? I don't know the answers to these questions, except that it's an individual and deeply personal choice. I wonder, if i had been better informed, would i have reacted diffrently? Could I ever be as couragous?...I don't know. What i do know, is that eash one of us is entitled to a loving, passionate and satisfying sex life. And, since that Spring day in 1993, many close to me have demonstrated the same courage. Some have been close friends, and some have been men i've fallen for, and all, i have loved in the time of AIDS.
We met on the corner of Market and Castro street. I was being loud and abnoxious, he was calm, cool and collected. His kisses tasted like watermelon Now&Laters. He held my hands with tenderness and looked into my eyes as if he already understood who i was, where i came from and where i would go. His hugs surrounded my body, aching for the affection i couldn't find at home. His words penetrated through the walls i had already begun to build to avoid being hurt.
To show how much i loved him, i did the only thing I thought would equally demonstrate how much i cared for him...i tried to have sex with him. When he wouldn't respond back to my sexual overtures i would feel betrayed, hurt and unattractive. So, i made up my mind, that the next time i saw him, i would just ask him why he wouldn't sleep with me, didn't he find me sexually attractive? Were his kisses and words a sham?, an evil joke to see how far you can string along an impressionable 15 year old?
Perhaps he realized my impatience, or perhaps he just thought the moment was right, but on that spring day of 1993, as we relaxed in the park laying next to each other, looking up at the sky, i asked the question he was dreading and i so anxiously wanted answered..."why don't you want to sleep with me?"
It was almost surreal and I hated myself for having been so self centered. My ego wouldn't allow me to consider that perhaps it wasn't about me, and until that exact moment, HIV had always been something foreign. An so he told me...in between explaining how it wasn't me and how much he cared about us...all i heard was "I'm HIV positive." It was almost as if I had been diagnosed and a long, uncomfortable silence fell between us. As he searched for a response from me, he reached out to grab my hand as he always did, except this time i found myself jerking it away...it was the most poignant moment of our relationship and my silence was piercing with judgement. I turned to look at him, he didn't rush me, but continued looking at me as he had on that first meeting, and now...i had a choice to make, should i stay with him or walk out.
To disclose or not, that is the question many with HIV must contend with. And if you do, how do you do it? When is it the right time? I don't know the answers to these questions, except that it's an individual and deeply personal choice. I wonder, if i had been better informed, would i have reacted diffrently? Could I ever be as couragous?...I don't know. What i do know, is that eash one of us is entitled to a loving, passionate and satisfying sex life. And, since that Spring day in 1993, many close to me have demonstrated the same courage. Some have been close friends, and some have been men i've fallen for, and all, i have loved in the time of AIDS.
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I think it us important to be up front about your health status when you are hte person living with Hiv/aids. Because the stress that is involved from not disclosing to someone is more harmful than the person rejecting you.. Also it is very helpful for the both of you to be aware of each other hiv/aids status ,,just in case one person may not feel comfortable at first relating their status upfront, and they can thrive off your example of leadership and feel comfortable exposing themselves to you or someone in the future about them..Furthermore, if there is someone who is vibing with you and does not know your status or you theirs it would be helpful to just general make it a open- friendly subject to talk on and let the tension of being disowned or not datable be lifted
Anonymous says
I feel it's not just Love in the Time of AIDS but we're still in Love in the Time of Silence or Ignorance or I just don't want to know...
I feel it's up to both partners, equally, to disclose status whether they're positive or negative. Just like condom use the responsibility shouldn't fall with just one person. It's not the positive person's cross to carry to be the one to have to disclose. Ideally people will be honest. However, the other person should be asking for this information instead of expecting the person to be forthcoming with disclosing.
We just don't talk enough to each other anymore! We don't talk about sex ENOUGH beyond top/bottom/vers/PNP/water sports/BDSM, etc. I refuse to believe that as gay men we buy into the stereotype of just being sex machines and only thinking with our semi or hard dicks.
Anonymous, spontaneous, random sex is and can be hot for sure! If we don't take the time to get info in those situations, which for many reasons is probably challenging, then where is the conversation and honesty with ourselves in what we're comfortable with doing in that moment?
On the other hand, let's bring adventure, curiosity, creativity and intensity back into our sex lives by TALKING with our partners. I've had great online or phone sex where I've gotten potential partners to disclose (while mad horny) things they've done in the past, drugs they've taken, even freaky shit they've done or would do. With this info, I determine if we're going to have a physical hook up and if we do, how far I'd go.
I have no choice but to Love in the time of AIDS, but I do have a choice of how I'll go about the love (or sex to be honest) I find and have.
Thanks for this post...
DulceDeLeche says
Lurondra, i comepletely agree it is important to be up fronts about your health status. However, with the infections rates among MSM of color, i leads me to believe we are not and there is still stigma on HIV. I wish it didn't have to be that way, everyone deserves love..right?
DulceDeLeche says
Anonymous, thank you for your comment. It's not surprising that we are living in the time of Silence and Ignorance, even after 25 years of lvoe in the time of AIDS. One would assume with all the prevention messages, we as a community would have gone past that. Both parners ARE equally responsible to disclose status, however that is not always the case. While we have the choice of HOW we go about the love or sex, status should NOT be the sole exclusion criteria...right?
Anonymous says
Well this was really interesting cause i think he shouldn't acted the way he did cause that could of mad him hurt for disclosing but its good that he was up front with him instead of leading him on. So i think that he was being a man about the satitation.
KP says
it waz good that he waqs up front with him cause other people dont address it and go on with the satitation. If i was in love with someone who's positive i will want them to let me know up front